8. I need to make a PSA

So after being in various stages of broken-foot-ness I decided: "eff it! I'm going to go to LA anyway!" I had planned on leaving at the end of January until early March but after January 23rd's hilarious bone-breaking, I postponed those plans. Until yesterday.

My foot has been getting better. And I've graduated from crutches to a cane. I've never felt more like a Nana, but it's nice to have a little bit more mobility. My airport experience started out positively! I got taken to the front of the customs line, was taken into a short line to go through security, things weren't so bad! I hadn't expected any of this treatment at all but welcomed the lesser amount of time struggling with suitcases and a heavy backpack. I was feeling good about things until I got to my gate.

I have to have a little bit of a serious moment here in the "Things I Learned When I Broke my Foot" blog. I broke my foot. It's an irritating injury that should last about 2 months at most as long as there aren't any further complications. This is an inconvenience at best. My heart truly goes out to those with disabilities that don't have such a laughably small window of healing-time. People who require assistance in their daily lives until further notice. In the past few weeks I have wanted to scream at the people who have done me wrong and acted rude towards me. And that's only after a few weeks. The fact that there aren't a string of murders committed by people who endure what I have and worse every day of their lives, is remarkable. My hat honestly goes off to you.

This is why I have to say the following: there are special, disabled seats at airport gates for a reason. These are there because believe it or not, DISABLED PEOPLE TRAVEL! What a novel idea! So to the able-bodied, non-injured people sitting in those seats, staring at me slack-jawed as I hobble by with my cane...GET UP! And to the people who were completely able-bodied who pushed past me to pre-board the plane with no children or any other discernible reason for doing so other than their own INFLATED SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT, I hope that you end up in a wheelchair for a week at some point. Something that will heal relatively quickly like my injury. Cause then you're gonna have a whole new outlook on what assholes you've been.

Oh and if you park in a handicapped space and you're not handicapped, I think there's a special place in hell for you. Yeah, I said it. Get over it.

7. I'm really getting into earrings. Also, I'm really getting comfortable being "vapid".

Recently, I actually stated out loud: "I'm really getting into earrings". I followed this up by saying "That is literally the most vapid thing I've ever said."

I have a few thoughts about this.

1. I've recently discovered that earrings really do make an outfit/makeup job pop. I may spend all this time getting ready and then look in the mirror and think "Oh I feel like I look so plain! Sigh." But if I pop on some giant gold hoops then BAM! I look like a pale latina princess. (Refer to attached photo. Totes pale latina.)

2. There are arguably many things going on in the world that I "should" spend my time thinking about. There are "issues" that are worth "getting into". So I tried tuning into the news the other only to get distracted by musing about whether Mitt Romney would look better in studs or something dangly. Kim-Jong Un would definitely rock something bold and glittery. And I think it goes without saying that Harper's approval ratings would skyrocket if he strapped some Swarovskis to those lobes. I mean, that's for suresies.

3. My previous 2 points haven't really helped fight that whole "vapid" thing have they? Well to that I say:

Syria-oil-juxtaposition-Dickens-Burnamthorpe-genocide-awareness-hemp-TED

Who's vapid NOW?? Yeah...me still. For sure still me, actually. Sigh. I'd better go put on my gold hoops. They always make me feel better.

6. People are not inherently kind...part deux

I was crutching into my apartment building on my birthday this past Saturday. My lovely boyfriend was following behind me with his arms full of packages and the large bouquet of flowers my cousin and her family sent for me. We approached the elevator where there were a few people who were also waiting for the next ride. The doors opened and one couple got on and stood to the left. An older dude with a dog got on and stood to the right. As I hobbled towards the door, the doors fully closed on me. Hard. Our elevator is merciless and unless someone is holding the "door open" button or physically holds the door open with a hand, it closes on whatever is in the middle...HARD.

As the doors hit me repeatedly, I watched as the 3 people already on the elevator did nothing. They did not move. Literally, not a muscle. Like, it was actually insane to witness. The doors finally let me out of their steely grip and I got on the elevator with Paul following behind me.

"Thanks a lot, guys." I quipped sarcastically. Then there was a pause before the dude with the dog responded by saying "It was probably an accident."

I'm sorry...what?

It was PROBABLY an accident?

I feel like I've never heard anything more absurd.

Probably an accident that you did NOTHING and watched me struggle and get abused by this machine's robot doors? What a dumb thing to say. I feel like this dude must just be a JOY to date. "I didn't do the dishes like you asked...it was probably an accident." "I forgot it was your birthday...it was probably an accident." "Well yes, sweetie, I did sleep with that other woman. But it was probably an accident."

I stood there seething, wanting to respond something cutting like "Well you're PROBABLY an idiot." But before I could get any words out the same dude said "Could you push floor 16 please?" So...I did. Silently. But when that guy got out at his floor and said "Have a good night" I said NOTHING. Take THAT! I probably, really showed him.

5. I'm not going to let people put down my career choice

After reading this article:

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-awful-things-nobody-tells-you-about-being-actor_p2/

I felt compelled to write a response. Here it is:

Dear Mr. Bowie,

Wow. This article sure sounds like it’s written by someone who hasn’t been able to reach his goal to be an actor. Or, more likely, someone who wants to make himself feel better about never really “trying” to be an actor by making those who choose to follow their dreams feel shitty about their choice. Let me tell you, friend, you are way off the mark on basically every glib point you have made.

Firstly, did you ever stop to consider that not every person who aspires to be an actor aspires to be a famous actor? In your opening paragraph you talked about how rare it is for someone to be famous. You’re right. It’s extremely rare. But there are thousands of actors who are able to make a living performing, often in artistically fulfilling ways and don’t feel cheated that they never made the cover of People magazine. I am one of those actors. Feel free to Google me.

#5 You aren’t building a real skill set.

Wow. What an offensive thing to say. Most actors who have had even an ounce of success have trained and studied and paid their dues performing for free in order to hone a skill set that will allow them to be cast in better roles as their careers progress. Sure, Hollywood likes to make superstars out of some young upstarts who have no experience but for every one of these talentless “actors” there are literally thousands of experienced, talented performers. Performers who could act circles around half of the actors in Hollywood.

And for the record, I never had a “back up plan” and I built a skill set that has allowed me to be gainfully employed solely as an actor for over a decade. And while I would rather not get into a pissing contest about who is in a better tax bracket, I’d love to know how someone who makes his living as a writer is in a position to comment about another career in the arts in such a judgmental, smug, negative way. Do you have a day job? Just curious.

#4 Most Roles have nothing to do with acting

Sure, commercial acting isn’t necessarily fulfilling. But many actors view this as their day job. The money you will make doing commercial work can supplement when you’re working for less money on an independent film or low budget theatre project (NOTE: there are lots of very well paying theatre projects out there as well). I must stress once again that I have made the majority of my living for the past 6 years from television work. Roles that require acting. On television shows. Prior to that, I performed live on stage 6 nights a week for 4 years. Believe it or not, this job required a high level of acting. I got these jobs because of my skill set. And I want to take a moment right now to say that I am not an anomaly. I know many other actors who also have made a good living for many, many years solely from performing. Just wanted to address that before you went jumping to conclusions.

#3 You will never be considered for roles that require acting

Who are you? Seriously! How do you think you can make this kind of a statement?

For the record, you actually don’t have to have a primary role in a SAG production in order to become a SAG member. You just need to have any role in one. So you can book a small role in a SAG production, become a SAG member, that opens you up to getting better auditions and then you can audition for better, bigger roles in bigger, better SAG productions. This falls under the skill set thing. You pay your dues and get more experience as an actor to continue to build a career.

#2 Your faith will be exploited

Again, this is absurd. Your points are just getting laughable. It really reads like you are trying to convince yourself about why your choice to not pursue an acting career was the right one. Honestly.

Also, your comment about actors being shitty people is beyond offensive. I have worked on countless movie and TV sets where the crew and actors all became a big family. In fact, I’d love to ask any crew people I’ve worked with over the years to comment on this. Sure, there are asshole actors out there. Just like there’s asshole teachers, doctors, writers, camera ops, gardners, astronauts, hairdressers, etc etc etc.

#1 You won’t make enough money to live on.

If you like, I’d be happy to supply you with copies of my tax returns for the last 10 years.

Sincerely,

Lauren Ash

4. I reeeeealllllly like X-Weighted

I’ll admit it. I watch “X-Weighted”. Every day. Sometimes 2 episodes a day. And sometimes, I’ll even re-watch an episode I’ve already seen. I know, I know; that seems crazy. But I have realized that I just really like watching people transform their lives and getting to see parts of the journey it takes for them to do so, is really interesting to me. And I like that each episode of this show encapsulates a person’s entire story. I don’t want to be beholden to a show like “The Biggest Loser” and have to tune in week after week to monitor the progress of people I barely care about. Nope. I want a quick-fix when it comes to my weight loss programming. (NOTE: The fact that there is an entire genre of television devoted to weight loss is insane to me. Think about it… "Bulging Brides”, “Heavy”, “Too Fat for 15”, “Ruby”, “Last 10 Pounds Bootcamp”, “I Used to be Fat”, the list goes on and on. But alas, I digress…)

Sure I know that the situations on this show are manipulated for entertainment purposes but at the end of the day you can’t argue when someone has shed 50 or 60 pounds. That’s real. It’s the same reason I’ve always been fascinated with Heidi Montag. As fake as “The Hills” may have been, that girl PERMANENTLY, SURGICALLY altered her body. That is as real as her boobs are fake. There’s something voyeuristically satisfying about seeing something REAL like that caught on film. We’re getting to see private details about people we would never normally meet. I guess this is why I also can’t get enough of “Intervention” (US or Canadian version…)

I met a group of emergency room doctors once and asked one of them what was the most appealing thing about that job for him. His answer? “Getting to hear the things that people don’t tell anyone else.” He then proceeded to share a very detailed list of the things that he had personally seen stuck in people’s rectums. I’m not kidding. You'd be surprised what people think can fit in there. Personally, I think I’m happy to stick with fulfilling my voyeuristic needs by watching Paul Plakas bully overweight Edmontonites into losing weight. It's as personal as I need to get.

3. There's this thing called "online shopping"...

Unfortunately the nature of my foot injury involves a lot of pain and a long recovery period. It is difficult for me to stand for very long so I can’t even really putter around my apartment. Hence why I’ve been spending a lot of time on my computer reading, writing and discovering the joys (and dangers) of online shopping. Of course I knew that this phenomenon existed; I guess I just never really took the time to browse online before. Any time I have ordered things on the internet in the past, it was items that I was seeking out. Things that were hard to find. This week I’ve found lots of things that are easy to find in stores but from the comfort of my chaise lounge. (For the record, instead of a couch I have 2 giant chaises that I have pushed together to literally make a “bed couch”. It’s a dream come true especially when convalescing since you can sit with your feet up next to your partner who can do the same. Or “partners” if you have more than one cat.)

My purchases so far? A tshirt with a skull on it that, when you look closely, is actually a collage of cat faces, a pair of RayBans and a Michael Kors dress. The tshirt just couldn’t be more “me”. The perfect mix of cute and badass. It was a purchase that had to happen and at a price of only $10, how could I resist? The RayBans are the same style as another pair I own, just in a different colour. Did I need them? Arguable. But the fact that I got them for literally half of what they would cost in the store somehow made the purchase not only seem worthwhile to me but also imperative to my success as a human. The Michael Kors dress was only $60 and seems like it will look cute on me. I’m usually a good judge of what styles look best on my body, though of course there is the risk that I could be way off the mark with this one. I’ll be honest though, I think that’s part of the rush. It’s a gamble. It’s the same feeling that you get watching a roulette wheel spin or waiting for the pee on a pregnancy test to fill the little viewing window.

My biggest fear is that the dress is perfect. Don’t they say that when you gamble you only need to win once to get hooked? If this dress looks as killer as I think it will…well...I weep for my bank account.

2. Dogs. Hate. Crutches.

I guess from their level my crutches resemble steel robot legs. Skinny, cold, terrifying, robot legs. This is the only explanation for the choruses of barking I have been met with when I’ve been out in the world this past week. As we know, there is little that truly terrifies dogs more than the idea of a robot-led apocalypse. I think it’s because the pooches know that their adorable faces will have no affect on their new robot masters. Their plaintiff whines and slobbery kisses will do nothing to ingratiate them to the T-1000s, who will rule our streets literally with iron fists. If anything, the machine overlords won’t stand for their high-pitched doggy voices or their rust-creating doggy slobber. When you really think about it, the dogs potentially have more to fear about robots taking over then humans do. So all things considered, I have to respect the dogs for standing their ground with me. Fight the power you brave little canines…fight it.