Monday, July 2, 2012

"Chopped" Fan Fiction - Chapter 4

Geoffrey ripped Alex’s blouse open.  She sat stunned, amazed, in awe of what he was doing.  Deftly, he slid out of his jacket and began to unbutton his shirt.  Alex felt tension building in her abdomen.  It was unlike anything she had felt before.  She watched him carefully, drinking in each sensual moment. 

“Are you okay?” Geoffrey asked with a crooked smirk.  Alex tried to form words but a nod was all she was able to muster.  A now shirtless Geoffrey slowly stood up and pulled open his belt.  Alex had to close her mouth and swallow the pond of drool that had formed inside of it.  This made Geoffrey chuckle.

“You look like you’re eyeing a steak.” He teased.

His candor broke through her tension and she responded: “I’m eyeing a filet mignon, alright.  Rare.”

“Oh really?” he replied, charmed. “Well maybe you should take a bite.”

A power greater than her surged through Alex’s body.  She dove out of her seat, unzipped Geoffrey’s pants and ripped both them and his black Armani underwear to the floor.  She grasped his turgid manhood and with one instant motion, took him in her mouth. 

His eyes rolled back in his head with pleasure.  This was so wrong but felt so right. 

Little did they know that across the studio, behind a curtain, Amanda Freitag stood, transfixed by what she was seeing.  Geoffrey and Alex didn’t realize that Amanda had been asked to give an interview in the studio that day.  And Amanda couldn’t help but peek in on something she never expected to see.

She knew it was wrong to watch her colleagues in this very private moment but she couldn’t look away.  Her eyes widened and her stomach flipped.  The passion she was witnessing was unlike anything she had ever seen before.

“Looks like we’ve got some competition.”  Startled, Amanda whisked around to see Marc Murphy smiling at her. 

“Marc!” she whispered “What are you doing here?”

“You.” He responded.

Monday, May 21, 2012

"Chopped" Fan Fiction - Chapter 3


Time stood still.

This single, gentle kiss sparked more passion than most people experience in an entire night of lovemaking.  It was unbelievable but innocent.  Mindblowing but kind.  Indescribable but soft.

After what felt like a decade of bliss, they pulled apart from one another, still basking in the moment.  Alex’s eyes were cast down.  She was in shock.  Geoffrey’s eyes were fixed on hers.  His gaze unrelenting in its delight.

Slowly, Alex began to raise her eyes up from where they were.  She paused before allowing them to look straight into his. 


Her stomach whooshed with the power of an oceanic wave.  Feelings swept through her like a tsunami of emotion.  She had to look away.  The emotions were so strong they bordered on making her feel ill.  She feared that if she continued to look at him,  she would actually get sick.

Geoffrey’s voice broke the silence between them:

“I’ve been waiting a long time for that.”  

Alex wanted to pinch herself.  Was she dreaming?  Was this actually happening?  When she had arrived to work that morning she never would have believed that today would be the day for this.  That today her most deeply-buried fantasy would come to life.

 A tiny voice escaped from her throat, cracking as the words came out of her mouth:

“Me too.”

Like a firework exploding, Geoffrey lunged forward and grabbed her face.  Without hesitation he passionately kissed her.  This kiss was far less innocent than the last one had been.  They grabbed each other’s bodies as though they instinctually wanted to fill their hands with a piece of the other person.  They were desperately trying to hold on to each other; they were desperately to hold on to this moment. 

They kissed like they were making up for lost time, lost opportunities, lost moments.  They kissed like long lost lovers, who had been reunited after years of distance.  They kissed like the soulmates that they were. 

They kissed, and once again, time stood still. 

Friday, May 4, 2012

"Chopped" Fan Fiction - Chapter 2


“What are you doing?”

Alex didn’t even realize the words had passed through her lips.  They left her body in a demure and breathy exodus.  Her eyes glimmered with a sense of hope akin to that of a fairytale Princess.  The kaleidoscope in her mind swirled with the colourful thoughts of what could be.  She waited, hanging on his every breath, scanning his face for any sign of what he was feeling.

Her words fluttered around him like butterflies.  Their cool breeze touched his skin and delighted his senses.  Unlike Alex, his mind was still.  He had never been as sure about anything as he was about this moment.  He drank in her image.  Every inch of her quizzical face.  Every hair on her head.  Every beat of her heart. 

“I can’t take it any longer, Alex.”

His words sliced through the air deftly. She was crippled by his directness.  Her usual strong and matter-of-fact demeanor gave way to that of a blushing teenaged girl.  It was good she was sitting because her knees were weak.  It took every ounce of her energy to push out 4 simple words:

“What do you mean?”

She hadn’t even finished this query before Geoffrey’s lips found themselves on hers.  He placed them there carefully, deliberately, lovingly.  This delicate, tender moment of affection made time stand still for Alex.  Her entire body was immediately on fire.  It was unlike anything she had ever experienced before.  She had imagined this moment a million times over, (though she never would have admitted to doing so, even to herself) but a million fantasies couldn’t begin to live up to the real thing.  She never dreamed that this moment would have been this magical.  She never anticipated how intoxicating Geoffrey would smell.  She never thought that something so wrong, would have felt so right.  

Thursday, May 3, 2012

"Chopped" Fan Fiction - Chapter 1

Due to a few requests, I've actually started writing some "Chopped" fan fiction.  Yes, I recognize how ridiculous this is but I challenge you not to kind of get into it.  
Enjoy fellow Food Network fans!


“Cut!  That’s a wrap!”

It had been a tough shoot day.  Alex Guarnaschelli, Geoffrey Zakarian and Aaron Sanchez all let out a shared, audible sigh.  It wasn’t abnormal that a shoot would go this long but it was abnormal to have to deal with an unruly contestant on the show. 

Tripp was as arrogant as he was talented.  His attitude made the judges cringe, but they couldn’t deny the flavors he managed to create dish after dish. 

“I feel like I need to take a shower.”  Aaron joked weakly. 

Tripp’s opponent was an older woman named Jackie who was in her 40s.  She spent her time working as a chef in a centre for troubled youth.  And while her altruistic nature warmed the judges hearts, her food just wasn’t as good as Tripp’s.

“Well it’s not a popularity contest.” Geoffrey replied flatly as he removed his tortoise shell glasses and began to clean them using the corner of his suit jacket.

“You need to start wearing ties.” Alex quipped.  “If for no other reason than as a cleaning cloth.”

Zakarian chuckled.  Alex always seemed to be able to make him laugh at the moments where it felt most impossible. 

“Well I’m off.  I have an early morning tomorrow.”  Aaron was out of the studio in what felt like a flash.  He was friends with his fellow judges but just not in the same way that Geoffrey and Alex were.  People would often refer to them as “work spouses”.  They had the kind of connection some people only dream of having. And when you find it, it’s usually with the person you choose to spend your life with.  However, when you meet someone later in life after you’ve already chosen your life partner things can get sticky.  “Work spouses” seemed like the most appropriate relationship for two soulmates who were both already married with kids. 

But today was different.  The air felt heavy around these best friends.  There were a million words dangling in the ether that longed to be said.  But they weren’t. 

Geoffrey and Alex sat in silence in the now-empty studio both staring straight ahead.  Motionless.  An eternity seemed to pass within each heartbeat. 

And then, without a sound, Geoffrey placed his hand upon Alex’s.  A muted movement that brought with it a million words all being screamed at the same time.  All of the things that had never been said were now being shouted in the silence.  The electricity that Alex felt from Geoffrey’s gentle touch was unlike anything she had ever experienced.  She felt it inside.  In her core.   Like a current pulsing through her; she felt alive. 

Her head turned slowly.  Her eyes searching, yearning, begging to be met with his.   His gaze complied.  And they sat.  In silence.  In each other’s eyes.  Really inside of them.  For the first time. 

Sunday, March 4, 2012

11. "3 Musketeers" has low self esteem

Look, I don't know if you guys have heard about this or not but 3 Musketeers has changed their recipe. No joke. They are now boasting a "New richer chocolate taste" as printed right on their little wrappers. Upon purchasing one last night, I confirmed that yes, it does taste more "chocolatey" than before. But it also made me a little sad.

Why did you think you needed to change, 3 Musketeers? Did you think it would make people love you more? Because I love you for YOU. Okay? You were perfect the way you were. And if someone is making you feel like you need to change yourself to make them happy, that person isn't someone you need in your life. We've all been there:

"Maybe if I was prettier he'd like me."
"Maybe if I didn't speak up for myself so much he'd want to be with me."
"Maybe if I tasted more chocolatey he'd never leave."

But these are statements that come from that little voice in your head that makes you feel like there's something wrong with you if someone doesn't like you. Did you ever think maybe there was actually something wrong with them? That their issues about commitment stem from themselves and that there's actually nothing you can do to change them? Listen to me when I say: you're not the problem.

3 Musketeers, just know that there are people out there who love you unconditionally. Don't try to make yourself smaller, richer or anything else just to garner someone's affection. The people who matter think you're great no matter what.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

10. I think today is a slow news day...

Upon hearing the sad news of Neil Hope's death (he played Wheels on Degrassi), I had a few questions. Apparently Hope passed 5 years ago at the age of 35 due to "natural causes". I don't know about anyone else, but I'd say it's pretty unnatural to die at 35. Isn't that the time that your back just starts to bother you and your nose hair starts growing faster?

It also seems odd to me that this is just being announced now. Is this some kind of publicity stunt and tomorrow we'll actually find out he's alive, well and the brand new host of Canada's Got Talent?

Regardless, I thought to myself "it must be a slow news day". So I decided to look up some news sites and see what else is going on in the world today. My results?

1. Apparently a female Tasmanian Devil had some kind of weird face cancer back in the day and now Tasmanian Devils are still getting sick and dying from it. I don't know about anyone else but I'm glad that someone is finally speaking out about Tasmanian Devil Face Cancer. February 16th, 2012 is clearly the day to start the dialogue about this serious issue. I will be wearing a turquoise ribbon from now on to raise awareness about Tasmanian Devil Face Cancer. If we take a stand today and speak out, we can put an end to Tasmanian Devil Face Cancer. One Tasmanian Devil face at a time.
(NOTE: I don't wish Tasmanian Devils or any other animal on the planet ill, I'm just demonstrating that today is the weirdest news day ever.)

2. A PetCo pet groomer in Hawaii accidentally cut off a dog's ear and then superglued it back on and returned the pet to his owner. A dog is not a mug, you idiot.

Other BIG items in the news today:

-It's been discovered that Santorum drove an Audi in 2008. SCANDAL!
-There is a probe into Whitney Houston's death. Prescription drugs were potentially a factor. SHOCKING!
-Jeremy Lin FINALLY has an apartment in New York. In Trump Towers. FINALLY!!

Oh and there was a fire in a Prison in Honduras

Most of the people incarcerated hadn't even been charged with any crimes. 358 are confirmed dead making this the world's deadliest prison fire in over 100 years.

But who wants to talk about that?

Or the UN accusing Syria of crimes against humanity including using hospitals for torture?

No, those aren't pressing news items. In fact, I had to dig to find them. They were buried behind stories of Julia Roberts' new movie and Randy Travis' arrest video being released. But they're really not "important" or "relevant" stories anyway. Right? OH! BREAKING NEWS! Fat Joe lost a lot of weight! Now THAT'S something worth talking about! (Kill me.)


Monday, February 13, 2012

9. I have a request...

Last year I lived in LA for 6 months. During that time I had many celeb encounters. Jeremy Piven at my favourite breakfast joint. Quentin Tarantino in his yellow convertible stopped and chatting to someone on the street. Gwen Stefani going into my doctor's office. (The fact that we shared the same "lady-doctor" is pretty crazy. I mean, that doctor's hand...nevermind.)

These are just a few of the exciting, fun run-ins I had on these streets. But now that I'm back in the City of Angels, I am holding out for one specific sighting. The holy grail. One of the few celebs that would actually and literally make my knees weak. The man who I have loved since I was 10 years old...

David Duchovny.

I started a twitter topic #reasonsdavidduchovnyshoulddatelaurenash which brought me a lot of joy so I started a short-lived blog by the same name:

It's fairly definitive proof that we're meant to be together. I really gotta get back on that one. (To be honest, I just found Wordpress's layout a little a switch to blogger in my future??? I digress...)

So, in conclusion, I send out this call to the Universe:

I don't ask for a lot. But this Valentine's Day, Universe, please make this 29 year old woman's almost double-decade-long crush cross my path. I swear I'll probably make a fool of myself in front of him which will end up being a hilarious story anyway.

PS I will be in LA 22 more days so if not got 3 weeks to make this happen for me, Dear Universe.