Thursday, February 16, 2012

10. I think today is a slow news day...

Upon hearing the sad news of Neil Hope's death (he played Wheels on Degrassi), I had a few questions. Apparently Hope passed 5 years ago at the age of 35 due to "natural causes". I don't know about anyone else, but I'd say it's pretty unnatural to die at 35. Isn't that the time that your back just starts to bother you and your nose hair starts growing faster?

It also seems odd to me that this is just being announced now. Is this some kind of publicity stunt and tomorrow we'll actually find out he's alive, well and the brand new host of Canada's Got Talent?

Regardless, I thought to myself "it must be a slow news day". So I decided to look up some news sites and see what else is going on in the world today. My results?

1. Apparently a female Tasmanian Devil had some kind of weird face cancer back in the day and now Tasmanian Devils are still getting sick and dying from it. I don't know about anyone else but I'm glad that someone is finally speaking out about Tasmanian Devil Face Cancer. February 16th, 2012 is clearly the day to start the dialogue about this serious issue. I will be wearing a turquoise ribbon from now on to raise awareness about Tasmanian Devil Face Cancer. If we take a stand today and speak out, we can put an end to Tasmanian Devil Face Cancer. One Tasmanian Devil face at a time.
(NOTE: I don't wish Tasmanian Devils or any other animal on the planet ill, I'm just demonstrating that today is the weirdest news day ever.)

2. A PetCo pet groomer in Hawaii accidentally cut off a dog's ear and then superglued it back on and returned the pet to his owner. A dog is not a mug, you idiot.

Other BIG items in the news today:

-It's been discovered that Santorum drove an Audi in 2008. SCANDAL!
-There is a probe into Whitney Houston's death. Prescription drugs were potentially a factor. SHOCKING!
-Jeremy Lin FINALLY has an apartment in New York. In Trump Towers. FINALLY!!

Oh and there was a fire in a Prison in Honduras

Most of the people incarcerated hadn't even been charged with any crimes. 358 are confirmed dead making this the world's deadliest prison fire in over 100 years.

But who wants to talk about that?

Or the UN accusing Syria of crimes against humanity including using hospitals for torture?

No, those aren't pressing news items. In fact, I had to dig to find them. They were buried behind stories of Julia Roberts' new movie and Randy Travis' arrest video being released. But they're really not "important" or "relevant" stories anyway. Right? OH! BREAKING NEWS! Fat Joe lost a lot of weight! Now THAT'S something worth talking about! (Kill me.)


Monday, February 13, 2012

9. I have a request...

Last year I lived in LA for 6 months. During that time I had many celeb encounters. Jeremy Piven at my favourite breakfast joint. Quentin Tarantino in his yellow convertible stopped and chatting to someone on the street. Gwen Stefani going into my doctor's office. (The fact that we shared the same "lady-doctor" is pretty crazy. I mean, that doctor's hand...nevermind.)

These are just a few of the exciting, fun run-ins I had on these streets. But now that I'm back in the City of Angels, I am holding out for one specific sighting. The holy grail. One of the few celebs that would actually and literally make my knees weak. The man who I have loved since I was 10 years old...

David Duchovny.

I started a twitter topic #reasonsdavidduchovnyshoulddatelaurenash which brought me a lot of joy so I started a short-lived blog by the same name:

It's fairly definitive proof that we're meant to be together. I really gotta get back on that one. (To be honest, I just found Wordpress's layout a little a switch to blogger in my future??? I digress...)

So, in conclusion, I send out this call to the Universe:

I don't ask for a lot. But this Valentine's Day, Universe, please make this 29 year old woman's almost double-decade-long crush cross my path. I swear I'll probably make a fool of myself in front of him which will end up being a hilarious story anyway.

PS I will be in LA 22 more days so if not got 3 weeks to make this happen for me, Dear Universe.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

8. I need to make a PSA

So after being in various stages of broken-foot-ness I decided: "eff it! I'm going to go to LA anyway!" I had planned on leaving at the end of January until early March but after January 23rd's hilarious bone-breaking, I postponed those plans. Until yesterday.

My foot has been getting better. And I've graduated from crutches to a cane. I've never felt more like a Nana, but it's nice to have a little bit more mobility. My airport experience started out positively! I got taken to the front of the customs line, was taken into a short line to go through security, things weren't so bad! I hadn't expected any of this treatment at all but welcomed the lesser amount of time struggling with suitcases and a heavy backpack. I was feeling good about things until I got to my gate.

I have to have a little bit of a serious moment here in the "Things I Learned When I Broke my Foot" blog. I broke my foot. It's an irritating injury that should last about 2 months at most as long as there aren't any further complications. This is an inconvenience at best. My heart truly goes out to those with disabilities that don't have such a laughably small window of healing-time. People who require assistance in their daily lives until further notice. In the past few weeks I have wanted to scream at the people who have done me wrong and acted rude towards me. And that's only after a few weeks. The fact that there aren't a string of murders committed by people who endure what I have and worse every day of their lives, is remarkable. My hat honestly goes off to you.

This is why I have to say the following: there are special, disabled seats at airport gates for a reason. These are there because believe it or not, DISABLED PEOPLE TRAVEL! What a novel idea! So to the able-bodied, non-injured people sitting in those seats, staring at me slack-jawed as I hobble by with my cane...GET UP! And to the people who were completely able-bodied who pushed past me to pre-board the plane with no children or any other discernible reason for doing so other than their own INFLATED SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT, I hope that you end up in a wheelchair for a week at some point. Something that will heal relatively quickly like my injury. Cause then you're gonna have a whole new outlook on what assholes you've been.

Oh and if you park in a handicapped space and you're not handicapped, I think there's a special place in hell for you. Yeah, I said it. Get over it.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

7. I'm really getting into earrings. Also, I'm really getting comfortable being "vapid".

Recently, I actually stated out loud: "I'm really getting into earrings". I followed this up by saying "That is literally the most vapid thing I've ever said."

I have a few thoughts about this.

1. I've recently discovered that earrings really do make an outfit/makeup job pop. I may spend all this time getting ready and then look in the mirror and think "Oh I feel like I look so plain! Sigh." But if I pop on some giant gold hoops then BAM! I look like a pale latina princess. (Refer to attached photo. Totes pale latina.)

2. There are arguably many things going on in the world that I "should" spend my time thinking about. There are "issues" that are worth "getting into". So I tried tuning into the news the other only to get distracted by musing about whether Mitt Romney would look better in studs or something dangly. Kim-Jong Un would definitely rock something bold and glittery. And I think it goes without saying that Harper's approval ratings would skyrocket if he strapped some Swarovskis to those lobes. I mean, that's for suresies.

3. My previous 2 points haven't really helped fight that whole "vapid" thing have they? Well to that I say:


Who's vapid NOW?? still. For sure still me, actually. Sigh. I'd better go put on my gold hoops. They always make me feel better.

Monday, February 6, 2012

6. People are not inherently kind...part deux

I was crutching into my apartment building on my birthday this past Saturday. My lovely boyfriend was following behind me with his arms full of packages and the large bouquet of flowers my cousin and her family sent for me. We approached the elevator where there were a few people who were also waiting for the next ride. The doors opened and one couple got on and stood to the left. An older dude with a dog got on and stood to the right. As I hobbled towards the door, the doors fully closed on me. Hard. Our elevator is merciless and unless someone is holding the "door open" button or physically holds the door open with a hand, it closes on whatever is in the middle...HARD.

As the doors hit me repeatedly, I watched as the 3 people already on the elevator did nothing. They did not move. Literally, not a muscle. Like, it was actually insane to witness. The doors finally let me out of their steely grip and I got on the elevator with Paul following behind me.

"Thanks a lot, guys." I quipped sarcastically. Then there was a pause before the dude with the dog responded by saying "It was probably an accident."

I'm sorry...what?

It was PROBABLY an accident?

I feel like I've never heard anything more absurd.

Probably an accident that you did NOTHING and watched me struggle and get abused by this machine's robot doors? What a dumb thing to say. I feel like this dude must just be a JOY to date. "I didn't do the dishes like you was probably an accident." "I forgot it was your was probably an accident." "Well yes, sweetie, I did sleep with that other woman. But it was probably an accident."

I stood there seething, wanting to respond something cutting like "Well you're PROBABLY an idiot." But before I could get any words out the same dude said "Could you push floor 16 please?" So...I did. Silently. But when that guy got out at his floor and said "Have a good night" I said NOTHING. Take THAT! I probably, really showed him.