"Chopped" Fan Fiction - Chapter 4

Geoffrey ripped Alex’s blouse open.  She sat stunned, amazed, in awe of what he was doing.  Deftly, he slid out of his jacket and began to unbutton his shirt.  Alex felt tension building in her abdomen.  It was unlike anything she had felt before.  She watched him carefully, drinking in each sensual moment. 

“Are you okay?” Geoffrey asked with a crooked smirk.  Alex tried to form words but a nod was all she was able to muster.  A now shirtless Geoffrey slowly stood up and pulled open his belt.  Alex had to close her mouth and swallow the pond of drool that had formed inside of it.  This made Geoffrey chuckle.

“You look like you’re eyeing a steak.” He teased.

His candor broke through her tension and she responded: “I’m eyeing a filet mignon, alright.  Rare.”

“Oh really?” he replied, charmed. “Well maybe you should take a bite.”

A power greater than her surged through Alex’s body.  She dove out of her seat, unzipped Geoffrey’s pants and ripped both them and his black Armani underwear to the floor.  She grasped his turgid manhood and with one instant motion, took him in her mouth. 

His eyes rolled back in his head with pleasure.  This was so wrong but felt so right. 

Little did they know that across the studio, behind a curtain, Amanda Freitag stood, transfixed by what she was seeing.  Geoffrey and Alex didn’t realize that Amanda had been asked to give an interview in the studio that day.  And Amanda couldn’t help but peek in on something she never expected to see.

She knew it was wrong to watch her colleagues in this very private moment but she couldn’t look away.  Her eyes widened and her stomach flipped.  The passion she was witnessing was unlike anything she had ever seen before.

“Looks like we’ve got some competition.”  Startled, Amanda whisked around to see Marc Murphy smiling at her. 

“Marc!” she whispered “What are you doing here?”

“You.” He responded.

"Chopped" Fan Fiction - Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

Time stood still.

This single, gentle kiss sparked more passion than most people experience in an entire night of lovemaking.  It was unbelievable but innocent.  Mindblowing but kind.  Indescribable but soft.

After what felt like a decade of bliss, they pulled apart from one another, still basking in the moment.  Alex’s eyes were cast down.  She was in shock.  Geoffrey’s eyes were fixed on hers.  His gaze unrelenting in its delight.

Slowly, Alex began to raise her eyes up from where they were.  She paused before allowing them to look straight into his. 

WHOOOOOSH! 

Her stomach whooshed with the power of an oceanic wave.  Feelings swept through her like a tsunami of emotion.  She had to look away.  The emotions were so strong they bordered on making her feel ill.  She feared that if she continued to look at him,  she would actually get sick.

Geoffrey’s voice broke the silence between them:

“I’ve been waiting a long time for that.”  

Alex wanted to pinch herself.  Was she dreaming?  Was this actually happening?  When she had arrived to work that morning she never would have believed that today would be the day for this.  That today her most deeply-buried fantasy would come to life.

 A tiny voice escaped from her throat, cracking as the words came out of her mouth:

“Me too.”

Like a firework exploding, Geoffrey lunged forward and grabbed her face.  Without hesitation he passionately kissed her.  This kiss was far less innocent than the last one had been.  They grabbed each other’s bodies as though they instinctually wanted to fill their hands with a piece of the other person.  They were desperately trying to hold on to each other; they were desperately to hold on to this moment. 

They kissed like they were making up for lost time, lost opportunities, lost moments.  They kissed like long lost lovers, who had been reunited after years of distance.  They kissed like the soulmates that they were. 

They kissed, and once again, time stood still. 

"Chopped" Fan Fiction - Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

“What are you doing?”

Alex didn’t even realize the words had passed through her lips.  They left her body in a demure and breathy exodus.  Her eyes glimmered with a sense of hope akin to that of a fairytale Princess.  The kaleidoscope in her mind swirled with the colourful thoughts of what could be.  She waited, hanging on his every breath, scanning his face for any sign of what he was feeling.

Her words fluttered around him like butterflies.  Their cool breeze touched his skin and delighted his senses.  Unlike Alex, his mind was still.  He had never been as sure about anything as he was about this moment.  He drank in her image.  Every inch of her quizzical face.  Every hair on her head.  Every beat of her heart. 

“I can’t take it any longer, Alex.”

His words sliced through the air deftly. She was crippled by his directness.  Her usual strong and matter-of-fact demeanor gave way to that of a blushing teenaged girl.  It was good she was sitting because her knees were weak.  It took every ounce of her energy to push out 4 simple words:

“What do you mean?”

She hadn’t even finished this query before Geoffrey’s lips found themselves on hers.  He placed them there carefully, deliberately, lovingly.  This delicate, tender moment of affection made time stand still for Alex.  Her entire body was immediately on fire.  It was unlike anything she had ever experienced before.  She had imagined this moment a million times over, (though she never would have admitted to doing so, even to herself) but a million fantasies couldn’t begin to live up to the real thing.  She never dreamed that this moment would have been this magical.  She never anticipated how intoxicating Geoffrey would smell.  She never thought that something so wrong, would have felt so right.  

"Chopped" Fan Fiction - Chapter 1

Due to a few requests, I've actually started writing some "Chopped" fan fiction.  Yes, I recognize how ridiculous this is but I challenge you not to kind of get into it.  
Enjoy fellow Food Network fans!

CHAPTER ONE

“Cut!  That’s a wrap!”

It had been a tough shoot day.  Alex Guarnaschelli, Geoffrey Zakarian and Aaron Sanchez all let out a shared, audible sigh.  It wasn’t abnormal that a shoot would go this long but it was abnormal to have to deal with an unruly contestant on the show. 

Tripp was as arrogant as he was talented.  His attitude made the judges cringe, but they couldn’t deny the flavors he managed to create dish after dish. 

“I feel like I need to take a shower.”  Aaron joked weakly. 

Tripp’s opponent was an older woman named Jackie who was in her 40s.  She spent her time working as a chef in a centre for troubled youth.  And while her altruistic nature warmed the judges hearts, her food just wasn’t as good as Tripp’s.

“Well it’s not a popularity contest.” Geoffrey replied flatly as he removed his tortoise shell glasses and began to clean them using the corner of his suit jacket.

“You need to start wearing ties.” Alex quipped.  “If for no other reason than as a cleaning cloth.”

Zakarian chuckled.  Alex always seemed to be able to make him laugh at the moments where it felt most impossible. 

“Well I’m off.  I have an early morning tomorrow.”  Aaron was out of the studio in what felt like a flash.  He was friends with his fellow judges but just not in the same way that Geoffrey and Alex were.  People would often refer to them as “work spouses”.  They had the kind of connection some people only dream of having. And when you find it, it’s usually with the person you choose to spend your life with.  However, when you meet someone later in life after you’ve already chosen your life partner things can get sticky.  “Work spouses” seemed like the most appropriate relationship for two soulmates who were both already married with kids. 

But today was different.  The air felt heavy around these best friends.  There were a million words dangling in the ether that longed to be said.  But they weren’t. 

Geoffrey and Alex sat in silence in the now-empty studio both staring straight ahead.  Motionless.  An eternity seemed to pass within each heartbeat. 

And then, without a sound, Geoffrey placed his hand upon Alex’s.  A muted movement that brought with it a million words all being screamed at the same time.  All of the things that had never been said were now being shouted in the silence.  The electricity that Alex felt from Geoffrey’s gentle touch was unlike anything she had ever experienced.  She felt it inside.  In her core.   Like a current pulsing through her; she felt alive. 

Her head turned slowly.  Her eyes searching, yearning, begging to be met with his.   His gaze complied.  And they sat.  In silence.  In each other’s eyes.  Really inside of them.  For the first time. 

11. "3 Musketeers" has low self esteem

Look, I don't know if you guys have heard about this or not but 3 Musketeers has changed their recipe. No joke. They are now boasting a "New richer chocolate taste" as printed right on their little wrappers. Upon purchasing one last night, I confirmed that yes, it does taste more "chocolatey" than before. But it also made me a little sad.

Why did you think you needed to change, 3 Musketeers? Did you think it would make people love you more? Because I love you for YOU. Okay? You were perfect the way you were. And if someone is making you feel like you need to change yourself to make them happy, that person isn't someone you need in your life. We've all been there:

"Maybe if I was prettier he'd like me."

"Maybe if I didn't speak up for myself so much he'd want to be with me."

"Maybe if I tasted more chocolatey he'd never leave."

But these are statements that come from that little voice in your head that makes you feel like there's something wrong with you if someone doesn't like you. Did you ever think maybe there was actually something wrong with them? That their issues about commitment stem from themselves and that there's actually nothing you can do to change them? Listen to me when I say: you're not the problem.

3 Musketeers, just know that there are people out there who love you unconditionally. Don't try to make yourself smaller, richer or anything else just to garner someone's affection. The people who matter think you're great no matter what.

10. I think today is a slow news day...

Upon hearing the sad news of Neil Hope's death (he played Wheels on Degrassi), I had a few questions. Apparently Hope passed 5 years ago at the age of 35 due to "natural causes". I don't know about anyone else, but I'd say it's pretty unnatural to die at 35. Isn't that the time that your back just starts to bother you and your nose hair starts growing faster?

It also seems odd to me that this is just being announced now. Is this some kind of publicity stunt and tomorrow we'll actually find out he's alive, well and the brand new host of Canada's Got Talent?

Regardless, I thought to myself "it must be a slow news day". So I decided to look up some news sites and see what else is going on in the world today. My results?

1. Apparently a female Tasmanian Devil had some kind of weird face cancer back in the day and now Tasmanian Devils are still getting sick and dying from it. I don't know about anyone else but I'm glad that someone is finally speaking out about Tasmanian Devil Face Cancer. February 16th, 2012 is clearly the day to start the dialogue about this serious issue. I will be wearing a turquoise ribbon from now on to raise awareness about Tasmanian Devil Face Cancer. If we take a stand today and speak out, we can put an end to Tasmanian Devil Face Cancer. One Tasmanian Devil face at a time.

(NOTE: I don't wish Tasmanian Devils or any other animal on the planet ill, I'm just demonstrating that today is the weirdest news day ever.)

2. A PetCo pet groomer in Hawaii accidentally cut off a dog's ear and then superglued it back on and returned the pet to his owner. A dog is not a mug, you idiot.

Other BIG items in the news today:

-It's been discovered that Santorum drove an Audi in 2008. SCANDAL!

-There is a probe into Whitney Houston's death. Prescription drugs were potentially a factor. SHOCKING!

-Jeremy Lin FINALLY has an apartment in New York. In Trump Towers. FINALLY!!

Oh and there was a fire in a Prison in Honduras

Most of the people incarcerated hadn't even been charged with any crimes. 358 are confirmed dead making this the world's deadliest prison fire in over 100 years.

But who wants to talk about that?

Or the UN accusing Syria of crimes against humanity including using hospitals for torture?

No, those aren't pressing news items. In fact, I had to dig to find them. They were buried behind stories of Julia Roberts' new movie and Randy Travis' arrest video being released. But they're really not "important" or "relevant" stories anyway. Right? OH! BREAKING NEWS! Fat Joe lost a lot of weight! Now THAT'S something worth talking about! (Kill me.)

LINKS TO NEWS STORIES:

http://news.yahoo.com/tasmanian-devil-cancer-traced-back-immortal-devil-girl-171406959.html

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/world/8420870/pet-groomer-glued-ear-back-on-dog

http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/story/2012-02-16/honduras-fire-inmates/53117990/1

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2012-02-16/syria-slammed-by-un-chief-ban-over-torture-centers-before-censure-vote.html

9. I have a request...

Last year I lived in LA for 6 months. During that time I had many celeb encounters. Jeremy Piven at my favourite breakfast joint. Quentin Tarantino in his yellow convertible stopped and chatting to someone on the street. Gwen Stefani going into my doctor's office. (The fact that we shared the same "lady-doctor" is pretty crazy. I mean, that doctor's hand...nevermind.)

These are just a few of the exciting, fun run-ins I had on these streets. But now that I'm back in the City of Angels, I am holding out for one specific sighting. The holy grail. One of the few celebs that would actually and literally make my knees weak. The man who I have loved since I was 10 years old...

David Duchovny.

I started a twitter topic #reasonsdavidduchovnyshoulddatelaurenash which brought me a lot of joy so I started a short-lived blog by the same name:

http://davidduchovnyshoulddatelaurenash.wordpress.com/

It's fairly definitive proof that we're meant to be together. I really gotta get back on that one. (To be honest, I just found Wordpress's layout a little annoying...is a switch to blogger in my future??? I digress...)

So, in conclusion, I send out this call to the Universe:

I don't ask for a lot. But this Valentine's Day, Universe, please make this 29 year old woman's almost double-decade-long crush cross my path. I swear I'll probably make a fool of myself in front of him which will end up being a hilarious story anyway.

PS I will be in LA 22 more days so if not today...you got 3 weeks to make this happen for me, Dear Universe.

8. I need to make a PSA

So after being in various stages of broken-foot-ness I decided: "eff it! I'm going to go to LA anyway!" I had planned on leaving at the end of January until early March but after January 23rd's hilarious bone-breaking, I postponed those plans. Until yesterday.

My foot has been getting better. And I've graduated from crutches to a cane. I've never felt more like a Nana, but it's nice to have a little bit more mobility. My airport experience started out positively! I got taken to the front of the customs line, was taken into a short line to go through security, things weren't so bad! I hadn't expected any of this treatment at all but welcomed the lesser amount of time struggling with suitcases and a heavy backpack. I was feeling good about things until I got to my gate.

I have to have a little bit of a serious moment here in the "Things I Learned When I Broke my Foot" blog. I broke my foot. It's an irritating injury that should last about 2 months at most as long as there aren't any further complications. This is an inconvenience at best. My heart truly goes out to those with disabilities that don't have such a laughably small window of healing-time. People who require assistance in their daily lives until further notice. In the past few weeks I have wanted to scream at the people who have done me wrong and acted rude towards me. And that's only after a few weeks. The fact that there aren't a string of murders committed by people who endure what I have and worse every day of their lives, is remarkable. My hat honestly goes off to you.

This is why I have to say the following: there are special, disabled seats at airport gates for a reason. These are there because believe it or not, DISABLED PEOPLE TRAVEL! What a novel idea! So to the able-bodied, non-injured people sitting in those seats, staring at me slack-jawed as I hobble by with my cane...GET UP! And to the people who were completely able-bodied who pushed past me to pre-board the plane with no children or any other discernible reason for doing so other than their own INFLATED SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT, I hope that you end up in a wheelchair for a week at some point. Something that will heal relatively quickly like my injury. Cause then you're gonna have a whole new outlook on what assholes you've been.

Oh and if you park in a handicapped space and you're not handicapped, I think there's a special place in hell for you. Yeah, I said it. Get over it.

7. I'm really getting into earrings. Also, I'm really getting comfortable being "vapid".

Recently, I actually stated out loud: "I'm really getting into earrings". I followed this up by saying "That is literally the most vapid thing I've ever said."

I have a few thoughts about this.

1. I've recently discovered that earrings really do make an outfit/makeup job pop. I may spend all this time getting ready and then look in the mirror and think "Oh I feel like I look so plain! Sigh." But if I pop on some giant gold hoops then BAM! I look like a pale latina princess. (Refer to attached photo. Totes pale latina.)

2. There are arguably many things going on in the world that I "should" spend my time thinking about. There are "issues" that are worth "getting into". So I tried tuning into the news the other only to get distracted by musing about whether Mitt Romney would look better in studs or something dangly. Kim-Jong Un would definitely rock something bold and glittery. And I think it goes without saying that Harper's approval ratings would skyrocket if he strapped some Swarovskis to those lobes. I mean, that's for suresies.

3. My previous 2 points haven't really helped fight that whole "vapid" thing have they? Well to that I say:

Syria-oil-juxtaposition-Dickens-Burnamthorpe-genocide-awareness-hemp-TED

Who's vapid NOW?? Yeah...me still. For sure still me, actually. Sigh. I'd better go put on my gold hoops. They always make me feel better.

6. People are not inherently kind...part deux

I was crutching into my apartment building on my birthday this past Saturday. My lovely boyfriend was following behind me with his arms full of packages and the large bouquet of flowers my cousin and her family sent for me. We approached the elevator where there were a few people who were also waiting for the next ride. The doors opened and one couple got on and stood to the left. An older dude with a dog got on and stood to the right. As I hobbled towards the door, the doors fully closed on me. Hard. Our elevator is merciless and unless someone is holding the "door open" button or physically holds the door open with a hand, it closes on whatever is in the middle...HARD.

As the doors hit me repeatedly, I watched as the 3 people already on the elevator did nothing. They did not move. Literally, not a muscle. Like, it was actually insane to witness. The doors finally let me out of their steely grip and I got on the elevator with Paul following behind me.

"Thanks a lot, guys." I quipped sarcastically. Then there was a pause before the dude with the dog responded by saying "It was probably an accident."

I'm sorry...what?

It was PROBABLY an accident?

I feel like I've never heard anything more absurd.

Probably an accident that you did NOTHING and watched me struggle and get abused by this machine's robot doors? What a dumb thing to say. I feel like this dude must just be a JOY to date. "I didn't do the dishes like you asked...it was probably an accident." "I forgot it was your birthday...it was probably an accident." "Well yes, sweetie, I did sleep with that other woman. But it was probably an accident."

I stood there seething, wanting to respond something cutting like "Well you're PROBABLY an idiot." But before I could get any words out the same dude said "Could you push floor 16 please?" So...I did. Silently. But when that guy got out at his floor and said "Have a good night" I said NOTHING. Take THAT! I probably, really showed him.

5. I'm not going to let people put down my career choice

After reading this article:

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-awful-things-nobody-tells-you-about-being-actor_p2/

I felt compelled to write a response. Here it is:

Dear Mr. Bowie,

Wow. This article sure sounds like it’s written by someone who hasn’t been able to reach his goal to be an actor. Or, more likely, someone who wants to make himself feel better about never really “trying” to be an actor by making those who choose to follow their dreams feel shitty about their choice. Let me tell you, friend, you are way off the mark on basically every glib point you have made.

Firstly, did you ever stop to consider that not every person who aspires to be an actor aspires to be a famous actor? In your opening paragraph you talked about how rare it is for someone to be famous. You’re right. It’s extremely rare. But there are thousands of actors who are able to make a living performing, often in artistically fulfilling ways and don’t feel cheated that they never made the cover of People magazine. I am one of those actors. Feel free to Google me.

#5 You aren’t building a real skill set.

Wow. What an offensive thing to say. Most actors who have had even an ounce of success have trained and studied and paid their dues performing for free in order to hone a skill set that will allow them to be cast in better roles as their careers progress. Sure, Hollywood likes to make superstars out of some young upstarts who have no experience but for every one of these talentless “actors” there are literally thousands of experienced, talented performers. Performers who could act circles around half of the actors in Hollywood.

And for the record, I never had a “back up plan” and I built a skill set that has allowed me to be gainfully employed solely as an actor for over a decade. And while I would rather not get into a pissing contest about who is in a better tax bracket, I’d love to know how someone who makes his living as a writer is in a position to comment about another career in the arts in such a judgmental, smug, negative way. Do you have a day job? Just curious.

#4 Most Roles have nothing to do with acting

Sure, commercial acting isn’t necessarily fulfilling. But many actors view this as their day job. The money you will make doing commercial work can supplement when you’re working for less money on an independent film or low budget theatre project (NOTE: there are lots of very well paying theatre projects out there as well). I must stress once again that I have made the majority of my living for the past 6 years from television work. Roles that require acting. On television shows. Prior to that, I performed live on stage 6 nights a week for 4 years. Believe it or not, this job required a high level of acting. I got these jobs because of my skill set. And I want to take a moment right now to say that I am not an anomaly. I know many other actors who also have made a good living for many, many years solely from performing. Just wanted to address that before you went jumping to conclusions.

#3 You will never be considered for roles that require acting

Who are you? Seriously! How do you think you can make this kind of a statement?

For the record, you actually don’t have to have a primary role in a SAG production in order to become a SAG member. You just need to have any role in one. So you can book a small role in a SAG production, become a SAG member, that opens you up to getting better auditions and then you can audition for better, bigger roles in bigger, better SAG productions. This falls under the skill set thing. You pay your dues and get more experience as an actor to continue to build a career.

#2 Your faith will be exploited

Again, this is absurd. Your points are just getting laughable. It really reads like you are trying to convince yourself about why your choice to not pursue an acting career was the right one. Honestly.

Also, your comment about actors being shitty people is beyond offensive. I have worked on countless movie and TV sets where the crew and actors all became a big family. In fact, I’d love to ask any crew people I’ve worked with over the years to comment on this. Sure, there are asshole actors out there. Just like there’s asshole teachers, doctors, writers, camera ops, gardners, astronauts, hairdressers, etc etc etc.

#1 You won’t make enough money to live on.

If you like, I’d be happy to supply you with copies of my tax returns for the last 10 years.

Sincerely,

Lauren Ash

4. I reeeeealllllly like X-Weighted

I’ll admit it. I watch “X-Weighted”. Every day. Sometimes 2 episodes a day. And sometimes, I’ll even re-watch an episode I’ve already seen. I know, I know; that seems crazy. But I have realized that I just really like watching people transform their lives and getting to see parts of the journey it takes for them to do so, is really interesting to me. And I like that each episode of this show encapsulates a person’s entire story. I don’t want to be beholden to a show like “The Biggest Loser” and have to tune in week after week to monitor the progress of people I barely care about. Nope. I want a quick-fix when it comes to my weight loss programming. (NOTE: The fact that there is an entire genre of television devoted to weight loss is insane to me. Think about it… "Bulging Brides”, “Heavy”, “Too Fat for 15”, “Ruby”, “Last 10 Pounds Bootcamp”, “I Used to be Fat”, the list goes on and on. But alas, I digress…)

Sure I know that the situations on this show are manipulated for entertainment purposes but at the end of the day you can’t argue when someone has shed 50 or 60 pounds. That’s real. It’s the same reason I’ve always been fascinated with Heidi Montag. As fake as “The Hills” may have been, that girl PERMANENTLY, SURGICALLY altered her body. That is as real as her boobs are fake. There’s something voyeuristically satisfying about seeing something REAL like that caught on film. We’re getting to see private details about people we would never normally meet. I guess this is why I also can’t get enough of “Intervention” (US or Canadian version…)

I met a group of emergency room doctors once and asked one of them what was the most appealing thing about that job for him. His answer? “Getting to hear the things that people don’t tell anyone else.” He then proceeded to share a very detailed list of the things that he had personally seen stuck in people’s rectums. I’m not kidding. You'd be surprised what people think can fit in there. Personally, I think I’m happy to stick with fulfilling my voyeuristic needs by watching Paul Plakas bully overweight Edmontonites into losing weight. It's as personal as I need to get.

3. There's this thing called "online shopping"...

Unfortunately the nature of my foot injury involves a lot of pain and a long recovery period. It is difficult for me to stand for very long so I can’t even really putter around my apartment. Hence why I’ve been spending a lot of time on my computer reading, writing and discovering the joys (and dangers) of online shopping. Of course I knew that this phenomenon existed; I guess I just never really took the time to browse online before. Any time I have ordered things on the internet in the past, it was items that I was seeking out. Things that were hard to find. This week I’ve found lots of things that are easy to find in stores but from the comfort of my chaise lounge. (For the record, instead of a couch I have 2 giant chaises that I have pushed together to literally make a “bed couch”. It’s a dream come true especially when convalescing since you can sit with your feet up next to your partner who can do the same. Or “partners” if you have more than one cat.)

My purchases so far? A tshirt with a skull on it that, when you look closely, is actually a collage of cat faces, a pair of RayBans and a Michael Kors dress. The tshirt just couldn’t be more “me”. The perfect mix of cute and badass. It was a purchase that had to happen and at a price of only $10, how could I resist? The RayBans are the same style as another pair I own, just in a different colour. Did I need them? Arguable. But the fact that I got them for literally half of what they would cost in the store somehow made the purchase not only seem worthwhile to me but also imperative to my success as a human. The Michael Kors dress was only $60 and seems like it will look cute on me. I’m usually a good judge of what styles look best on my body, though of course there is the risk that I could be way off the mark with this one. I’ll be honest though, I think that’s part of the rush. It’s a gamble. It’s the same feeling that you get watching a roulette wheel spin or waiting for the pee on a pregnancy test to fill the little viewing window.

My biggest fear is that the dress is perfect. Don’t they say that when you gamble you only need to win once to get hooked? If this dress looks as killer as I think it will…well...I weep for my bank account.